.onions + honesty.

Expressing myself verbally is not at strength of mine. Place me in a situation where I need to be articulate my feelings and I'll end up blubbering, spitting out some non-sensical string of words resembling a foreign language or I just won't say anything at all. I've decided that when I get married, instead of speaking my vows to communicate my love for my husband-to-be that I'll either put together a PowerPoint point presentation with cheesy photos of our dating days; send him a thoughtful text message or break into an whimsical interpretive dance to a cliché love song of my choosing.

I’ve been undertaking some self psycho-analysis (emphasis on the psycho, less on the analysis) and I cannot quite pin down why I find this so difficult. My parents have always told me how much I am loved and encourage me incessantly – there has rarely been a moment where I haven’t felt supported by my father and mother. Rather I almost felt over encouraged – surely no one can be the most intelligent and best-looking person in the universe?

So why, when I have always been showered with praise and confidence in my abilities do I find it so hard to let others know how I feel and what I think?

Partially, I assume it is because of my belief that encouragement and praise should be deserved. I’m not really one to compliment people without restraint; rather I prefer to give accolades when I wholeheartedly believe something. Praise, when given too frequently can seem insincere and I’d prefer that the words I speak to others are perceived as truthful, not artificial. This belief leads me to be sparse with my compliments.

Also, I think I just need to work on my ability to express what I feel. Although acclamations are not strictly associated with emotion, a true compliment is given wholeheartedly without pretence; you need to be vulnerable - thus bringing closer the link between praise and feeling.

Despite my lack of ability in expressing my feelings verbally, I have no problems putting my words on paper (or a screen!). It’s easier to write things down, you don’t have to look at the person; you can plan out what you are going to say and articulate yourself effectively. There are too many variables when you are speaking to somebody and pay them a heartfelt compliment; the biggest variable with me is that I’ll cry. I even cry when I write a nice card to somebody and watch him or her read it.

My endeavour this year is to not compliment more frequently or freely, but to continue to be sincere in my encouragements and not be concerned if I become emotional. As I mentioned, the best compliments are given sincerely and if my form of sincerity involves looking like I’ve diced a kilo of onions, then I suppose that’s not such a bad thing.

.reconcile.

Numbers are not my forte.

Give me a list of words and I’ll arrange it into a quirky line of prose. Hand me some fabric and I stitch up a dress. Supply me with ingredients and I’ll make a delicious meal. But place some numbers in front of me and I will be dumbfounded.

Oh, I have basic mathematics skills. Miraculously, I was awarded with the ‘vege’ maths award in Grade 11, but beyond addition, subtraction, multiplication and division, my arithmetic skills are lacking. I couldn’t complete a sodoku to save my life. At university, I only just scraped by in the ‘Introduction to Accounting’ unit. The combination of maths, profit and loss statements, balance sheets, depreciation, equity, blah blah blah and trying to make it all reconcile caused my head to spin.

The last two weeks, my head has been spinning more than ever. I’ve been confronted with a situation that has totally knocked me around. It has caused me to question myself, my values and who I thought I was. If you looked at my beliefs, my morals and checked them against my recent attitudes and actions, it definitely would not balance.

When you have been hurt by somebody, the automatic reaction is to hurt them back. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth (tangent: this adage makes the whole world blind and in need of a good dental plan). But Jesus had an interesting take on this saying in Matthew 5.

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

I ready Jesus’ words and am challenged. Instead of instigating revenge or spitting venomous words back at others, he instructs us to love and to pray for those persecute us.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I know that for the last few weeks that instead of loving, I have hated. I haven’t prayed for the person who has hurt me and asked God to help me love them, instead I’ve prayed that I would be vindicated.

For this, I am sorry.

Tomorrow, instead of responding in anger and hurt, I will try to respond in love. I will pray, because I realise I need Jesus to help me reconcile the gap between my beliefs and my actions. (And because my mathematical history proves that I'm no good at reconciliation!)